it is remarkable how even with the expectation that nothing of real importance will be completed in effect, i still am amazed at how little was completed with the b2b visit. i give to work tirelessly, for free.
today, i woke up starving.
my life is moving forward yet i feel like i'm falling backwards in slow motion. when this happens in real life, you vomit. it will be interesting to see how that will translate. this state mimics limbo to me and i am trying to cling to something for the chance that i will care and continue holding on, which should banish me out of that feeling.
fearful of jumping out of the detached train. once i'm in, life is smoothed over, bearable. i can choose to watch it pass me by the window, or i can shut my eyes and block it out.
i'm compelled to escape this train, maybe it is movng me somewhere faster, but i don't feel the ache of my muscles as i would if i ran in another direction, away from the tracks. i wish to be able to choose my own path.
and i do, because i choose to stay. i loathe my unawareness and weakness of will.
burning.
is it inevitable i'll abandon this, too
little was accomplished on this day. that's normal. i'm wretched. how fitting that word has "retch" inside of it. how i'd love to vomit myself out of my body.